Oh, the cursed summer.

I’ve never been big on summer; I’m not sure if I’ve said that before in this space, but it’s the truth. Summer tends to be bad for my productivity; ironically, I tend to be more productive when I have a more regimented outside schedule to keep. Thus, when classes are on, the writing tends to go more smoothly; in the unstructured nihilism of summer, though, my production tends to flag.

And that’s exactly what’s happened again this year. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’ve had to move this past week, too; that, plus the stresses of having to find yet another new place for September and working on my thesis haven’t helped, either.

Oh, and then there’s the fact that Usi 1 has been a challenge.

It’s not like I thought it wouldn’t be when I started. I knew I was venturing into uncharted territory with this book; that, plus its anticipated length, meant it wouldn’t be written as quickly or as easily as draft 1 of The Ravage, which some of you might remember was done in just over a month. But I’ve just crossed 2 months worth of work on Usi 1, and I’m just now approaching the total word count of The Ravage. If I had to estimate, I’d guess I’m only about 1/3 of the way through: the end product should be around 200,000 words, give or take a few thousand here or there.

That…leaves me with a lot of work ahead. And I’ve been getting stuck a lot on this book: a lot of my issues have had to do with getting Zuza out of Chori Tenkara (her home city). An important part of the plot has to do with Zuza fleeing Chori Tenkara; actually getting her out of the damn city in a way that makes sense and doesn’t either make the people trying to keep her in seem like idiots or make Zuza seem overpowered has been a delicate balance, though. I’m not even sure I struck it fully: the chapter I’ve just about finished—which I’ve been stuck on for, like, a week now—will almost certainly have to be rewritten multiple times. But I suppose that’s why authors do drafts: a good book is usually made in the edit, not in the initial writing.

In struggling with Usi 1 to the degree that I have, I’ve definitely found myself riding the writer’s rollercoaster. One day, I’ll take a look at what I’ve written and think hey, this isn’t so bad. There are some cool ideas here. But then the next day, I’ll look back at that same section and go wow, what was I thinking? This is all terrible. And then, of course, I go back and forth, back and forth, on and on and on. Something similar happens when it comes to the dream itself: there are times where I’m confident I’ll get a book published one day, that one day I’ll fulfill my dream of being able to walk into a Chapters (or some other big bookstore) and find my book on the shelf. But then there are other days where that dream seems like a joke, a delusion I maintain to keep myself from collapsing into insanity.

And the thought that it’s been almost 14 years—about half my life now—since I first decided I wanted to be a novelist…and the thought that it’s been six years since I had anything published at all, since I had even a whiff of success…it just weighs me down.

I hate to burden my admittedly small readership with these thoughts, but hey, that’s part of the experience of being a writer. I’m not the first to have these doubts: these very same doubts have caused countless others to give up the quest, to toss their dreams in the bin and “grow up,” so to speak. But I’m a stubborn man when it comes to my dreams: I will not give up until I get what I want or die in the attempt. I’ve come close—perilously close—to giving up a few times. I’ve worried and fretted, countless times, that I don’t have what it takes. That I don’t have “the sauce,” “the moxie,” or whatever other term you want to use for that ineffable quality that separates good writers from mediocre ones.

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s a first-world problem. And I know saying all this won’t change anything. But…well, as I already said, that’s part of the experience of being a writer. It’s that ongoing struggle to motivate yourself, to remember why you do this, to put your butt in the chair and put your best foot forward no matter how you feel about your chances. And you know what? It might not have manifested itself in actual results yet, but I do feel I’ve been improving as a writer. Even in the past year: the feedback I got from my pro editor last year, while crushing in some respects, has given me direction. I’ve worked hard to try and make what she said were the weak parts of my prose better. And I think, to some degree, I’ve succeeded.

Although it’s hard to know for sure.

Long story short, work on Usi has been sporadic. A lot of that has to do with outside factors, but a lot also has to do with riding the writer’s rollercoaster. And the fact that Usi 1 has turned out to be such a dang difficult book to write (although now that I’ve finally gotten Zuza out of Chori Tenkara, maybe things will start to chug along at a faster pace!) But I’ll keep pushing forward, because if I don’t, this dang thing will never get done. Better for it to be finished in October or November than never.

Then I can turn my focus to Blueblood (which I’ve done some occasional work on over the past month), and all the other projects I’ve got going.

And maybe I can finally get back to writing one of these per week, instead of one per month.

But we’ll see. Anyway, at some point in the future, I’ll be back with more. Until then, though, have fun, stay safe and keep reading.